This week I want to share with you the current status of my life and what this means in regards to my faith in God as well. The title of this article may seem a little confusing but I hope by the end you will get a good understanding of what’s going on and why the above statement is true. The reason for this article has to do with something that occurred to me on July 30th. It’s something that most if not all divorced people go through at one point in their lives.
Looking for a girlfriend
Shortly after I moved out to Arizona, I desired to have a girlfriend. Since I was starting my life over, so to speak, I thought having a girlfriend would be the icing on the cake. I joined a video dating service and, before I knew it, got locked into contract which I couldn’t escape. I regretted it almost immediately but attempted to try it out anyway.
Then I met Pam. She was a friend of some who I met through the message boards on computer. This was before the internet became all the rage. Pam seemed like the perfect girl: smart, outgoing, and very attractive. However, since I was linked to this dating service I pushed her away and so she ended up with my best friend. In the end, it turned out to be the best thing for me, as she has some personal issues and she soon disappeared from our lives.
I was once told then when you stop looking for that special someone, they will find you. So I took that to heart and it worked! That’s when I met my wife who happened to work in the same place as me.
Down the aisle and beyond
We were married in 1997 and from there our lives together took off. In that same year we invested in house and got pregnant (she got pregnant, I got the cravings). Our first child was born in 1998 and soon joined by the second in 2000. It seemed that life was great and the future was bright.
In May, 2014 my wife told me that she wanted a divorced and by the end of the month we had gone our separate ways. She took the kids and got a smaller house, I found a one bedroom apartment which, later, I referred to as a Marital Halfway House. The divorce was finalized in October and with it came the child support payments.
What does the Bible say?
Since I became a Christian in 2001, I try to live my life according to scripture and hoped that my family would follow. My wife was a confirmed atheist and my children, though they attended services with me when they were younger, decided to stay home with Mommy as well.
I do believe that my faith in God had a part in our getting a divorce as she didn’t seem too happy when I would try to discuss the bible with her or would be down at the church building every night of the week when we had our (twice annual) gospel meeting.
The scripture is very clear in regards to divorce in that there is one, and ONLY one, reason which Jesus states in Matthew 19: 9, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that marrieth her when she is put away committeth adultery.”
In layman’s terms this is what’s known as the extra martial affair. Since the reason my wife wanted a divorce was not because I cheated on her, nor her on me, this is what’s known as an unscriptural divorce. And because of this I started to freak out thinking that I just eliminated my possibility of going to Heaven. But after talking to our preacher, I realized that was not the case. We were studying 1 Corinthians 7 in class and it discusses a bit about separation between man and wife. Here are verses 10 and 11, “But unto the married I give charge, yea not I, but the Lord, That the wife depart not from her husband (but should she depart, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband); and that the husband leave not his wife.” And, of course, this works in reverse as well. Simply put, I have to stay unmarried or be reconciled to my wife. She had already stated that there was no chance of being reconciled.
♫ Matchmaker, matchmaker LEAVE ME ALONE! ♫
This then brings me to the event that took place on July 30th. One of my co-workers came up to me and she said, “You know you should ask (other co-worker) out on a date.” Then she added this phrase, “You’re lonely and she’s lonely.” I looked at her and said, “I’m lonely?”
Sooner or later friends, family, and/or co-workers want to share their input with your personal life. Play matchmaker if you will because they think they know what’s best for you. Now I know she meant well when she made this suggestion and, yes the woman in question and I do have a lot in common, but I don’t need to start another relationship of any kind outside of being just a friend.
My question though is: Where was this person way back when I was single? What is it about divorced people that send a different vibe? Just because we haven’t gone dating in X years, we suddenly need the help of others to look for our next victim mate?
Since my separation and divorce, my life has improved greatly as far as I’m concerned. I mean, yes I have a lot less money because of child support and I do sometimes miss the human contact, but there are other advantages. I don’t have three bosses telling what’s what. I don’t hear “shut up” by my children on a daily basis anymore. I get to go to bed when I want to, fall asleep when I want to, and go to work when I want to. The thought of going to bed at 7:30pm every night would’ve never worked if I was still with the family. There would be too much noise to get any decent sleep. Plus, my wife wouldn’t appreciate me nodding off while watching television together. I worked a 4am-1pm shift once before and it put a strain on our marriage.
Being single allows me the benefit of working a position that is better for my overall physical health, even though I get up at 3am. I once stated, and still do, that if I’m not in a wheelchair by the time I’m 50, I’ll be impressed. 8 years in the meat department and almost 2 years in produce wears the body parts down significantly. However, I watch whatever DVDs I want to and can work on my stories and articles, like this, without the feeling of guilt in neglecting my family. Last time I felt the pang of loneliness was a month after the separation and I fixed that problem with a slice of carrot cake. It wasn’t that I missed my wife, I just missed the companionship. Any problem that can be solved with a slice of cake is not that critical of a problem. And, just for the record, I’m not solving all of my problems with food.
As part of the marriage vows, ‘til death do us part’ is a legitimate and serious statement. I cannot scripturally remarry until after my ex passes away. Of course, by the time that happens, I’ll most likely be in a retirement home looking for my pudding cup. Should it happen sooner than that, I don’t think I’d remarry anyways. Once is enough and if I can’t get it right the first time, I’m not going to bother to try again.
I’m flattered that someone would consider setting me up on a date. Unless I ask for help, just assume that I’m fine with my life as it is. (Phil. 4: 11)